Communication is key
It has been one week since my husband and I have got into a fight. This is a milestone for us! As a couple going through infertility your patience is tried. Pat and I have always been pretty good at communication, but lately it has taken a back seat. The less we communicate...the more we argue. When your stress levels are high, you stop listening to what each other are saying and just hear what you want. And trust me, when you are both sarcastic people it can make things difficult. These are a few things I Pat and I have to work on daily.
1. We will not agree on everything.
With everything we have gone through Pat has a different view of our doctor (and fertility doctors in general) than I do. He gets frustrated at the fact of we don't know what is wrong yet. For example he hates it when we have to go to London for a "follow up" appointment. Takes a 2 hour drive, possibly have to take time off work, for what essentially takes 10-15 minutes. I however LIKE to go for the follow ups. I like to know that the doctor sees our case as a priority, and that we can hash things out together there. I like to know where we are in the plan, and that we are all on the same goal. This is a constant battle, but when we sit down and discuss our goals with our family we can come to an agreement.
2. This is hard on both of us.
Pat wants to be a dad AS MUCH as I want to be a mom. So often people only think about the women in these situations. All Pat ever gets is "How's Crystal doing?". Yes. The women has to go through all the testing, needles, medications, surgeries....but my husband has to watch. He can't do anything to help the pain I'm in after a surgery. He can only hold my hand when I'm crying on the table because they are shoving needles through my uterus, or forcing my cervix to dilate. He has to watch as I have to build up to courage to inject myself with needles. He has to put me to bed because when I'm on my injections I'm too tired to think for myself, and remember that I'm pumped full of hormones so he has to tread lightly. He has to watch his wife cry....all the time, and know there is nothing he can say to fix it. To be quite honest I feel I have the easy part. I'm doing everything, not sitting helpless on the sidelines. And anyone who knows my husband, knows that watching me go through that kills him.
3. You deal with things differently.
I cry....a lot. To the point of I often wonder how the hell I have any tears left in me! Pat gets angry. Mix the 2 of them together, and you have quite the argument! Here I am crying over the fact that the dog bumped his nose, and Pat screaming giberish about how it was his own fault (hasn't been an actual argument, but along the same lines). It also sucks that Pat has keeps things bottled up, because he knows it will make me cry.
4. Make time for JUST each other.
Life gets busy. Pat works a shit ton in the summer, and I work full time plus all my other extra curricular activities. So we have to make a date night. Even if it's just going for a walk by the water, dinner out, or having a fire in the back. Time for just the 2 of you, and no talking about your stresses in life. No infertility, no bills, no work, just you 2.
I know Pat and I luck out, we are soulmates. Even in the worst of fights, we still love each other to death. Couples who experience infertility are 3 times as likely to end in divorce. It is a trying and difficult time for you both. Just take time to listen to each other. It is a CONSTANT work in progress.