How infertility has changed me

So often I have to rationalize my thoughts. I have to sit back and think "why was I thinking that?". I have to calm myself down. Almost everyday I have a thought or feeling that comes as a surprise to me. A loss of control. I talked about how Pat and I have to work daily on our communication, but then I have no idea which "Crystal" is showing up to the argument. Not all the changes that infertility have made to me are bad, but those are the ones I'm going to start with.

Crying....oh the crying.

This one sucks. It's why people don't want to talk to me about things. They think because I'm crying means that I'm upset. I could be happy, I could be sad, I could be excited, I could be just plain tired. On a scale from 1-10 (1 being sad, and 10 being happy) if I'm not between a 4-7 I'm crying. Now, if I'm hiding that I'm crying, it's because I'm sad. But it also comes out when I really don't want it to. I got into an argument at work. I comment was made to me about how "Women can't slug, you need a man to do the heavy lifting". It wasn't directed at me or anyone in particular, but my best worker in the department is a women....and she can put ALL the men to shame. I was MAD!! I am a women who runs this (produce) department and you have the fucking nerve to say that to me......and I start crying. Can barely get my words out cause I'm blubbering. AWESOME!! Here I am standing up for myself and the women in the store and I'm crying. I walked away and "composed" myself....and once he came back I got out what I REALLY wanted to say. But really...I was clenching my fists I was so mad, my face felt like it was on fire....and out come the damn tears.

Seeing Red.

One of 2 that I'm not proud of. Thankfully it's not something that I usually take out on other people (usually....not to say I haven't). When people say stuff like "Oh, well if you can't get pregnant than it's just meant to be" or "Here, you can take my kids" or even "You'll understand when you have kids". They usually get a half hearted smile and sort of a little huff towards them....even though in my head you're getting a big "Fuck you". It's not even that they mean it in a bad way, it's just you've pissed me off and I don't want to talk to you anymore.

With the job that I work, we see a lot of government assisted families. Now I'm NOT saying they are all taking advantage of the system, but when you have seen the same people in there at the beginning of the month for the past 12 years you know somethings up. They never buy proper food for their kids, yet they usually come in pulling a wagon with a case of beer in it. Or you see a women who is pregnant (again) buying cigarettes for herself and then halls them back as she's holding the other kid. This stuff makes me VERY angry. Here I am doing everything that is possible for me to do to have a family....and you're just going around trying to fuck it up while getting paid!!! I have to put in my full weeks work plus extra at times to give myself the means to PAY to create a family.

Jealousy rears its ugly head.

Flat out, if you have kids I'm jealous of you. Morning sickness, I'm jealous. Can't sleep at night, I'm jealous. Can't go to the washroom by yourself, I'm jealous. Everything that you hate about being a parent, is everything I want. Because I know with all that stress, is a child. A child I don't have.

Now I am by no means proud of this. In every other aspect in life I'm not a jealous person. Bought a new house, happy for you. Going on a vacation, happy for you. Got a fancy new car, happy for you. Pregnancy announcement on Facebook, I'm jealous. So often I TRY, I try really hard to be happy for people. It just always comes back to I'm jealous. When you have been wanting something SO BAD for SO LONG it just takes over. Even after pulling myself out of the situation, its there. I hate it, it's NOT who I am as a person. I hate the loss of self control, I can honestly feel it just taking over my brain.

Compassion and Empathy.

I am proud of this. I have always been an empathic person. I can feel what others are going through, hense why I cry all the time. If you have lost a loved one...I will be crying next to you. If you are upset with your life stresses, we can cry on each others shoulders. For a long time I was ashamed of it, thinking it was a sign of weakness. Now I just see it as a strength. I can comfort you, because I understand. You don't need to explain your feelings to me, I already know. This has only become stronger with infertility. I feel like the world we live in needs more. More empathy, more compassion, more understanding.

Open mindedness.

I realize when I was younger that I was close minded. I had opinions of things that I now don't think twice about. I remember in college we had to do a debate about same-sex couples adopting. I was against it. And looking back I'm not sure why I did, because I agreed with both sides of the argument. Now, I laugh at the fact that I was so naive. A couple wants to provide a loving home to a child in need? And I was against that? Who the fuck was I to think that? Another issue with this world, why would you be judging someone based on a stereotype? It doesn't matter your gender, race, sexual preference, weight, age. If you're a good person, you're a good person.

Infertility has a HUGE impact on people. The stress of it can put people into depression. The effects of it can play with your brain, and you start to think and feel in ways you never thought you would. Everyone deals with things differently. I have found that focusing my energy on something helps deplete these harsh feelings. The next step.... you have to keep going forward. Moving forward can bring good things. It can help you leave those nasty feeling behind you.