Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness

We all deal with infertility differently. My husband doesn't really talk about what we are going through (with the exception of a few people). He tends to keep it bottled up. He has always overthought things, so it is something that is always bothering him. If he's in a bad mood...it's infertility. If he's in a sad mood...it's infertility. I can honestly say if we didn't suffer from infertility he would be a totally different person. It has changed him.

I think I'm always trying to convince myself I deal with it ok....but I don't. Pat was explaining the other day (not a good day for him) that he had a "heavy heart". I can honestly say I don't remember when I didn't have a heavy heart. I constantly feel weight bearing down on my chest. That feeling that you're forgetting something, or you have way too much to do that day so you're almost panicky....I feel like that everyday. I have several anxiety attacks a day. I never feel settled.....as I sit here and write this I am trying to catch my breath.

I have lots to be thankful for, and I know that (I don't take these things for granted). But the sadness just takes over. If I don't have something distracting me, I'm sad. Right now my husband is playing with the dogs (which is making me smile), but once they are done I go right back.

From the moment I wake up in the morning, till the moment I go to bed...Infertility has an impact on everything I say or do. I am at the point that I'm no longer pretending to not be sad, but at the point of pretending to be happy.