Why?

Today is what you would call a "bad day". Ever since they put me on birth control I have had spurts of anger. Today, well today was one big LONG spurt. Maybe it started when I was at the store and I heard a (young) pregnant girl talking about how she "Just wanted to have this kid already so I can go out and get shitfaced". Really...you are about to have a child, and the thing you are most excited about is getting drunk?!? Please...eat shit. Maybe it was when my dogs decided to raid a bunny nest. I know the animal kingdom is different, but I watched Momma run around the backyard while her babies were being eaten. She knew it was happening, and whenever she tried to get close one of the dogs chased her away. So now poor Momma has lost all her babies. OR maybe it was that I had a PGS telephone consult. During the consult, she has to inform of what can go wrong as well as what can go right. So Pat and I's future children are being decided by one test. Today is a day I can't look to the positive, today is the day I become conducter of the self-pity train.

What did I do to piss off Lady Karma? Was I a horrible human being in my past life, and now it is time for pay back? Why is it that I have to see teenage mothers who care more about drinking than they do their families. Or people who can't even take care of themselves, let a lone another human!! Why am I the one that has to be put through this? Why should I be the one pushed to my limits, questioning EVERYTHING I've done. Why couldn't I be one of the "lucky" ones? Why do I have to worry about whether we will have the right number of chromosomes in our embryos, or whether my uterine lining is optimal. Why do I have to worry about stuff that MOST people don't even know are a factor what trying to get pregnant? Why do I not get a clear picture of how my future will look? Or that my future isn't the same as where I am now.

Why was I chosen for this "journey"? Journey...fuck journey. This isn't a journey. This is a fight, a battle, this is a fucking war. I have to go to war to have a family. I have to fight physical, mental, and financial battles to win. I have to fight back tears whenever I see a pregnant women, or when I see a baby. I have to fight past the fear to inject myself with needles. I have to fight daily, for what most people don't even see.

That is going to bring me to my happy thing for today. Today I'm happy that I don't give up easily. I'm happy that I'm stubborn enough to push through. I'm happy that when I have a goal set, I will do everything in my power to achieve that goal.