Saying Good-bye

A few weeks ago we were given the devastating news....we can't have kids. The night before I was so anxious, I knew something was wrong. I had to work late that night and I could just not keep focused. The next morning I was talking to my mother-in-law, and I told her I had a feeling this was going to be the last time we see the doctor. As we sat in the waiting room I kept looking at my fitbit to see my heart rate. With a resting heart rate of 68, mine was staying strong at 117.

As we got called into the room I felt like I was going to throw up. "There is no easy way for me to say this. It's not good". Everything stopped. I felt like my heart wasn't beating, I wasn't breathing....It felt like time had stopped. The only thing I could feel were my eyes filling with tears. I snapped out of it as Pat pulled me in close. At this time I realized I couldn't see, the tears were blurring my vision.

As we sat and talked to the doctor, he explained our diagnosis. From testing our fertilized embryos they came to the conclusion that not only are we missing chromosomes, but those that we do have are also abnormal. That is where the science ends, they can't help anymore. If I do get pregnant on my own, it will likely end in a miscarriage.

So now we have to say good-bye. How do you say good-bye to the one thing that you have wanted most in your life? How do you say good-bye to a baby you have never met? How do you say good-bye to your future? We have to say good-bye to move on. Saying good-bye isn't forgetting. I will never forget what we had to go through to get to our child. I will never forget the tears, the pain, the defeat. I will never forget the piece of my heart that was taken from me.

So now we have to move on. Move onto our new path. As a couple, Pat and I have decided to move onto adoption. We will be taking the summer off to spend time with each other, and start the process in the fall. As much as it pains me that we will never have our own child, we are both looking forward to helping a child who needs us. A child who's life will forever change the day they step foot into our lives.